Glossary of Neurodivergent Therapy Lingo
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Masking: An Overview

Masking and unmasking are terms that are thrown around a lot in the neurodivergent circles our team runs in, but it's something we think is so important to acknowledge in trauma and chronic health work, too.

It's how we manage social situations and build relationships in a world that doesn’t always understand or appreciate our unique ways of being. Masking helps us get through interactions and environments that clash with our inner reality of what we're truly going through - and the social anxiety that can come from living that disconnect while in the presence of others.

The Burden of Masking

Well, for starters, it's exhausting. It’s a huge drain on executive function and mental energy. The constant effort to monitor and adjust our behavior on the fly can be anxiety-inducing in and of itself, and tank our sense of self-worth.

Only you can define what masking looks and feels like for you, but a few general examples would be:

• hiding or softening your emotional responses

• constantly monitoring your words, facial expressions, or demeanor

• explaining things just right so others don't misunderstand

• not speaking up because it might not be received well

• filtering and editing your true expression and self

• mirroring socially “acceptable” behaviors of the group

• anything that might keep you safe from judgment or exclusion

These masking responses are not bad. We want to say that loud and clear. We believe your masks are, in fact, sacred. They are yours, and they are doing the ultimate important job for you: keeping you safe. And. We know they get heavy. We’ve got lots more on that below.

But for now, we trust that when (and only when) your brilliant brain has experienced sufficient evidence that you are safe to unmask, beginning with the smallest of steps in only the safest-feeling of contexts, that you won't need it as much.

Maybe after enough acceptance of your unmasked self in the safe places, you'll start to feel like you have more choice about it. And over time, maybe the mask can be something you consciously adopt when needed, and not the automatic go-to in every situation. Because you will still need it - it just won't feel like it's guiding your every interaction.

The Natural Need to Belong

We all have an innate need to connect with others and feel accepted. From birth, mammals are dependent on connection to survive, including us. For neurodivergent folks, masking can be a way to navigate social situations and build relationships in a world that doesn’t always understand or appreciate our unique ways of being.

Early Influences

Masking usually begins by childhood. Neurodivergent children learn to adapt their behaviors to help them avoid criticism or social rejection, which they tend to experience more of.

• Repetitive (and so often frustrated and critical) commands like "stop fidgeting,” "look me in the eyes," and “stop being so dramatic/sensitive” can teach children their natural tendencies and innate self-comforting abilities, along with their authentic selves and expression, are not acceptable.

• The criticism may come from parents, teachers, coaches, peers, and siblings, and may target stimming, intense focus on special interests, and emotional (or non-emotional) responses.

• Children quickly internalize these messages and may carry them (and make all their decisions through the lens of these messages) the rest of their lives if they don’t eventually get help with them.

The Social and Professional Costs of Unmasking

The decision to unmask, revealing one's truest self, can bring so much freedom in emotionally safe places, but it’s good to be aware of some of the potential risks when we unmask, too:

• On a social level, unmasking might lead to discomfort or misunderstanding. Partners, friends, family, or colleagues may not always react positively, which can sometimes mean strained relationships or social isolation.

• In professional settings, unmasking could affect careers or professional relationships. A boss that is socialized to expect eye contact and smiling at all times may consider a neurodivergent employee that doesn’t assimilate with those social norms as “rude” or “unprofessional,” which could lead to discrimination, harassment, or even job loss. 

• In general, in a world that often prioritizes conformity and adherence to rigid social norms, unmasking can leave neurodivergent folks feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Safety Concerns of Unmasking

There are even times when unmasking can be unsafe physically, especially for neurodivergent members of the global majority. Being neurodivergent while Black, for instance, can mean discrimination or violence, which has now been documented in national news stories. These biased repercussions can force individuals to continue masking, even when it is otherwise painful for their mental health and well-being.

Finding Spaces to Unmask: Creating Supportive Environments

For our well-being, it is crucial to find and create spaces where unmasking is not only accepted but celebrated. Supportive communities, inclusive workplaces, and understanding family members can help play a role in allowing neurodivergent folks to feel safe enough to reveal their true selves.

To wrap up where we started, mammals needs connection, and if you can find places where your true self is celebrated, even just beginning with mere moments in your day or week, it can go a long way in supporting your own self-acceptance and sense of well-being.